I’m realizing how deeply self-righteous I am. Self-righteousness comes in many forms, maybe most obviously in the form of judging others. Funny how we tend to judge others on the very thing we feel insecure about. I used to judge girls who wore a lot of makeup and spent excessively on clothes as insecure and pretentious. The fact was, I was insecure myself and the way I (over)compensated was to be a tomboy and wear thrifted clothes. It made me feel better.

Self-righteousness can also look like reluctance to serve. Like “I’m too good for this”. Or it can look like an enthusiasm to serve, an apparent empathy or compassion or love or whatever when actually it’s just to get people to like you and think well of you. Such “service” always expects recognition and reward.

I think of Cain and Abel – both brought offerings to God, but God accepted Abel’s and not Cain’s. Why? Because Cain came self-righteously. He came with the heart that he was somehow doing God a favour and deserved to be accepted. He was totally blind to see that he was a sinner before a holy God and deserved nothing but death. But Abel knew and, thus, came contritely. In other words, Abel depended on God’s grace alone to stand before him. He knew there was nothing in the world that he could give God that was not God’s already. But he came anyway. That faith is what made him righteous in God’s sight.

Most recently, I realized that I am a very guilt-driven person and that, too, is a form of self-righteousness. It’s a disguised humility. I tend to think that the whole world depends on me and my choices. And if I screw up, then everything is doomed, and “sorry” just won’t cut it. I feel unforgiveable, unredeemable, unlovable. I’ll replay all the bad mistakes I’ve done in my life and I beat myself over it, thinking that my present sufferings are God’s punishment to me. There’s twisted sense of security in bearing that suffering.

I have no issue believing that I am a sinner. But I have a hard time accepting that God loves me despite of it. I’d rather be the restless wanderer Cain or the suicidal Judas than the prodigal who accepted the fattened calf and signet ring. In other words, I’d rather regret rather than repent. Why? Because repentance implies someone forgave, someone who didn’t deserve it bore the punished I deserve and I can’t seem to accept that.

Strange that I’ve been preaching a gospel that I myself find so hard to accept. But God has been confronting me about this deep, disguised sin. The struggle is to believe that I am a sinner yet God still loves me. I cannot explain it, I cannot understand it, but by faith, I must accept it. That is the gospel and only the gospel can save me. “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103: 12). Amen. He has let it go and declared “It is finished”.

It’s time I let go too.