The other day, we celebrated Dani’s first birthday with some church people here in Brazil. It felt a bit strange for me to be celebrating something so important and meaningful with people I barely know. As I was munching on my food quietly (and awkwardly), that realization came to me and I suddenly felt really sad. I couldn’t help but think, what the heck am I doing here? Why should I suffer trying to speak a language and love a people I don’t resonate with? Why should I serve people who are unsophisticated and petty and show up only for free food? On top of that, I was feeling irritated with my mother-in-law who seemed to always be unhappy or disappointed in me, as if I’m not good enough for her son and now her granddaughter. It was all too much. Hearing the obnoxiously loud Portuguese around me, I felt the sudden urge to escape to my quiet apartment and play alone with Dani. I wanted to talk to Joshua ASAP about leaving to live in Canada where it’s comfortable and familiar.

A lot of friends back in Canada ask me why I moved to Brazil. I sometimes struggle with the answer, especially while I’m here and the reality is…real.  The answer to why I’m here is not because my husband is here, or because he has a more stable job than I do, and certainly not because life is better here. It’s not my ideal place to live, for sure. It’s hot. It’s dirty. People take advantage of every opportunity. It gets annoying. So why the heck did I come? Well, the written answer is I am here because I believe God called me to be here. The reality is, though it’s a hard pill to swallow day-to-day. 

When I was “sent out”, I was given Isaiah 42 and the direction to look at Jesus who was the ultimate missionary – leaving the glory of his eternal home in heaven with the Father to come to this dark, sinful, and hostile world with the sole mission to die. I often lose sight of this Jesus and what it means to be a missionary. Sometimes it feels like what I’m supposed to do here is bring new people, appear “fruitful”, just be a good “worker”. But that’s not a good enough reason for me. And that’s not what Jesus fundamentally did. He did not come to gain followers. Actually, he came to be a sacrifice. He came to die.

Christ’s death was altogether different which is why we need him. He is God who became man and shed his perfect blood to atone for sinners. Me or you dying, even with the best intentions, could never do that. But as a follower, Christ demands our life and death too. Why? Because we are those who have died with him, to sin. We are now in Christ. We walk in his way, we carry his cross, we share in his sufferings. Suffering and dying is God’s way of salvation. For only through the death of our sinful selves could the soul-saving love of God be demonstrated and actually save. Yes, we are called to preach the gospel, to raise disciples, but more fundamentally, we are called to follow Jesus, to the cross. 

“Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” John 12: 24 

Of course, we know this. But even if just a fraction more, I think I learned it in my heart that day. As I was sitting there, wrestling with all these thoughts and feelings, this word stilled my heart. In my little way, I chose to die then and there. Die to those grumbling thoughts, die to my doubts about being here, die to about fatalism for the future, die to wanting the best for just me and mine, die to the hope of comforts and glory in this world. It was painful, knowing that this is and would be my reality. But at the same time, there was a quiet peace that made my soul rejoice. Rejoice because despite the awkwardness, the discomfort, the heat, the unfamiliarity, I know the love of Jesus that is worthy of all of it and more. Indeed, I am living for something true and eternal and worthy.

Lord, you are my hope and my comfort and my home in this place. Though I have nothing, I have you and it is more than enough. Help me to hear your call to die everyday and truly die that through my little sacrifice, many seeds might be produced.