“Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?’”

John 11: 25-26

Jesus was on his way to Jerusalem to be crucified. Amazingly, even though his own death was very near, this passage shows that he was not fatalistic under the power of death. The resurrection of Lazarus is a foreshadow of his own resurrection which would indicate the resurrection of all those who believe in him. The glory of the resurrection cannot happen without death. That is why when Jesus heard the news that Lazarus was sick, he intentionally waited where he was 2 more days. The way Martha and Mary sent word to Jesus shows that they sincerely expected that he would come to heal their brother. After all, he is the Lord and after all, he loved Lazarus. Why wouldn’t he come? Sometimes, we cannot understand why God allows things to happen, especially when we pray desperately for him to change our situation and he doesn’t. If he loves me, why did this happen? But in verse 4, Jesus reveals that his concern is not to solve our problems in the way think is best. His greatest concern is the glory of God. When Jesus told his disciples that he would have to suffer and die, they could not accept it because they left everything to follow their Lord. Surely, Jesus is God, and surely he would not betray their loyalty, they thought. But Jesus, the Son of God, became as silent as a helpless lamb and surrendered to all the suffering and even tasted death himself. He died, not just a normal death, but as a criminal on the cross. We can ask the same thing – why would God permit this? How could God be glorified through something so ugly and shameful as the cross? How can God be glorified in my messy life, my dirty sins, my inferiority? I am reminded of the word of Romans 8: 28, “And in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose.” Even when we cannot understand, we can be sure of 2 things – it happened or is happening because Jesus loves me, and for the glory of God. To have faith in Jesus as the resurrection and the life, means to also have faith in these.

The disciples couldn’t understand. When Jesus said that they should go back to Jerusalem, they reminded him that this was the exact place that the Jews were trying to kill him. It is human instinct to run from suffering, to escape death. Even in evolutionary biology, it is taught that life goes on because of the fear of death, which is the survival of the fittest. But Jesus, who we can say is the fittest of us all, did not run from suffering but he went through it. Why? Because on the other side of death is the glory of God. Hebrews 12: 2 says, “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith who for the joy set before him endured the cross scorning it’s shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Because of this hope of joy, Jesus could pray, “Yet not my will but your will be done.” When we have hope of the resurrection, death is nothing but sleeping. It is not the end. It always amazes me how cooperative Dani is at nap time. I put her down to lie alone in a dark room but she doesn’t cry. It’s because she has learned that I will come back at the end of her nap and rescue her from the darkness. She can have peace to sleep because of the hope of mama returning, even though it is scary at first to be alone. The disciples however did not have this hope or faith in the resurrection. They, just the same as Martha and Mary, were totally subdued by the power of death. They loved Jesus with human loyalty but such love wasn’t enough to overcome death. Nothing can overcome death, not even the most beautiful romance like Romeo and Juliet or a parent’s love or anything. Death eats up everything and makes it all meaningless. So the best the disciples could offer was the promise that they would die with Jesus. Of course, they did not know what they were saying. Even their best intentions were a lie and totally useless. The greatest problem of mankind is death, the wages of our sin. Who can save us?

Finally, Jesus arrived with his disciples. It had now been 4 days since he died. That means he was definitely dead. He was already buried. There was no going back. Martha and Mary were so full of grief, but not just grief but confusion, hurt, a sense of betrayal. They felt that their brother died because Jesus didn’t try to come earlier. They knew that he could and would, but he didn’t. So they were very disappointed. “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” In their despair and grief, Jesus challenged them with the words: “Your brother will rise again. I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” To this Martha gave a theologically sound answers. She believed in the resurrection on the last day. But that was a distant reality, nothing relevant to her present practical situation, she thought. Jesus wept when he saw how everyone was so subdued by the power of death. I think he also must have been thinking, “Hello! I am right here! I am the resurrection and the life, why are you so downcast?” I believe he wept because of their broken heart at their unbelief. If only they believed, they would be blessed with the kingdom of God, with eternal life this very moment. Death would have no power over them. In this situation, Jesus challenged them to have resurrection faith. He said, “Take away the stone.” This didn’t make any sense if Jesus did not have power to do something about the dead Lazarus. The people needed faith to obey this command. Jesus encouraged Martha, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?” When they obeyed, Jesus prayed and then commanded the dead Lazarus to come out and Lazarus came out, alive.

I started writing this reflection with the prayer that Jesus may really speak personally to me and to reveal to me my unbelief and anything I need to confess before him to experience his resurrection power in my present life. I have studied this passage many times and I know everything I am supposed to write, all the theologically sound answers. But I feel the Lord challenge me with the key verse, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” Jesus didn’t say that he was or he will be the resurrection and the life. This whole declaration is in the present tense. He is, right now, and if I believe right now, I will have this resurrection and life. I realize that I am so full of unbelief. I can teach this word to others and I have, but  now Jesus is asking me, “Paulina, do YOU believe this?” What does it mean Lord? I don’t know exactly what it means but the practical effect of believing it is that there is hope. Hope is not a matter of changing my situation, finding the solution, finding relief or comfort. Hope is a matter of meeting a person and his name is Jesus. Hope is a matter of believing that no matter who I am and what my situation, right now Jesus is alive and when I believe in him, God’s glory will be revealed.

These days, life feels fast and slow at the same time. I feel like I am not producing much – professionally, ministerially, personally. But at the same time, I feel so tired and busy simply existing, getting through the most basic things. In a way, I feel exhausted that I have become numb and have settled for a kind of apathy. I don’t care much about anything. I thought this was a response of resilience, but I realize that is a response of fatalism which is ultimately the power of death over me. I have wondered for some time where my vitality has gone. I have trouble praying with fervor, I lost the joy of reading the bible because I can’t feel God’s presence. I don’t care deeply about anyone or anything. To be honest, I blamed a lot of my current on Joshua. I secretly wished many times that I never married, that I never chose to come to Brazil, that I stayed where I was known and respected, where everything was predictable and secure. What is worse, and where Satan really makes me feel fatalistic, is that I chose to come even though I knew it would be hard. Was it really a decision of faith? Did I come only because Joshua told me? Is my whole life here a mistake? Is all my struggle in vain? A few weeks ago, all this unbelief came out in a fight with Joshua. I was so shocked at myself, but suddenly I broke down crying. I was screaming and cursing at him and even said things like, “I hope I die early” and “I don’t care about anything anymore.” The weight of everything crushed me and I had no more strength to stand anymore. I thought I was a victim. I felt sorry for myself. I hated that I had to be this invisible wife and mother always thinking of either Joshua and Dani, never having a spare moment to rest for myself. I hated that I sucked at Portuguese and couldn’t express myself freely. I felt so stupid trying to say the most simple things at church. I felt powerless because even though I tried to evangelize “by faith”, not a single person has accepted my invitation to bible study. I have struggles with my mother in law who seems to only see my short comings in taking care of her son and her granddaughter. I feel nothing I do is enough, but more than that, my struggle doesn’t count for anything. I can’t go back, I can’t go forward, I am stuck with the present. The most honest prayer of my heart is, “God, I don’t even know how to live. Days go by but I don’t know what I am doing. What do you want right this moment?”

I thought the answer was in somehow changing the situation. Or change myself. Try to prove that I could be a good wife, a good mom, a fruitful missionary, a faithful servant. But I’m too tired. I’m not just tired, I am dead. But through this passage, I realize that actually Jesus let this happen. He has waited for me to die, for me to defeat death, not so that I can be fatalistic but so that now I can really see his glory and not my own glory. I honestly cannot say that I am some spiritual person or a great missionary. I am not even a good person. I am deeply selfish and proud and unbelieving. I have no hope in anything or anyone. But Jesus says to me, “Paulina, I am the resurrection and the life. When you believe in me you will live even though you die and when you live believing in me you will never die. Do you believe this?”

I want to say now, Jesus, I don’t know what you are saying but I believe it. I don’t have anything figured out, I feel so stupid and confused and lost, but I believe that you are the resurrection and the life. You are my only hope. I believe that in the tiny person that I am, and in the mess of my life, and even in the bundle of sins and exhaustion that I am, you are the resurrection and the life and you can use all of this for your glory. I feel really useless and more than that, ashamed to call myself anything noble. I am not. I feel as good as dead here and now. But in the deadness and hopelessness of myself I want to invite You to be my life and my hope, my resurrection. Please give me the faith to continue living – not to change my situation, not to compete with others or gain a certain reputation – but just to see the glory of God in and through my life. Even if that means being weak or exposing my shame, even if that means humiliation and becoming a nobody, even if that means suffering I really cannot understand, please give me the faith and hope that you are working and that you are working all things out to your glory. I want drive out this spirit of unbelief and fatalism from my heart and live with renewed faith in You who is the resurrection and the life. Your power is real today and right now. Help me, Lord, to live by simple faith in your word.