“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself up for me.”

Galatians 2: 20

Unless my ego dies first, my faith will die. My ego is huge, much bigger than I’d like to admit. It disguises itself in a superficial modesty and servitude but deep down I want to be validated and appreciate for “all that I do”. But it only leads to burnout because I will never be satisfied, whether I get that validation or not. It sucks the life out of me and others, only leaving me in doubts, bitterness, and complaints. The self is truly our greatest enemy and it is the cause of our perpetual suffering. It refuses to die, refuses to repent, refuses any wrong-doing or sin. And since it assumes righteousness upon itself, it inevitably shifts the blame onto others, and ultimately, onto God. And so, the loss of faith and the thought, “How can God really love me if…”. It’s exactly what happened in Eden, and in the Desert. It’s the story of our sinful nature. Unless the ego dies, our faith will die. 

But say that we choose repentance, self-death, in the place of persistent self-preservation. Then faith arises. We begin to actually feel the peace that freedom from sin brings. We begin to see grace again, hope again, and God’s goodness beaming everywhere. We begin to be thankful and thankfulness leads to joy, unending joy.  We begin to see the beauty in the broken which is exactly the beauty of Christ on the cross. And then we realize this is what it means that faith is the victory that overcomes the world. This is what it means to be content in every situation. This is what it means to be joyful amidst suffering. This is what it means that Christ lives in us.

What is the object of our faith exactly? That the Son of God loved me and gave himself up for me. It is unconditional faith in the love of God despite everything we see and feel, so much so that he died for me. And thus, he showed the way that we too are to live, and die. It is to crucify ourselves together with him so that Jesus himself might live in us. I want to know that power of Christ living in me, the power of the resurrection. But I don’t want to die. It is so painful. And no matter how hard I struggle yesterday to repent and die, today is anther day my ego springs to life and goes at it again. The battle between my ego and my faith is so real. But I’d rather go through the pain of death than lose faith because to lose faith would be to deny the love of the Son of God. Sometimes the devil tempts me saying, “Are you truly happy struggling like this?” I want to let go of it all, because sometimes having faith is truly the hardest thing. But it’s because it’s so precious. It’s the cost of gaining Christ himself. 

Storms are opportunities, gifts even, God gives us to experience this higher joy of faith. Without them, perhaps we would never die, we would never seek, and so we would never see Jesus in his fullness. Our egos are just that strong — our desire to be right, to be appreciated and loved in our own terms. It seems so innocent but it comes at the cost of the victory of faith. It comes at the cost of losing the love of the Son of God. Not only that be it’s an illusion, a guaranteed losing battle by which our soul will eventually be destroyed. My prayer today is that each of us, in every moment of temptation, when we really want to give up and go back, to choose to die. Though it is painful, let’s choose it again and again and again and thereby choose to let faith arise. May we be so blessed as to gain Christ himself living in us, and a greater enjoyment and tangible experience of the love of the Son of God who gave his life for us. Amen.