“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6: 33

Event-wise, 2024 was the year of Paul’s birth (May 31^st) and Lebeca’s baptism (October 13^th). By the grace of God, Paul was born very healthy at 3.5kg and 53cm. Though I suffered a fourth-degree tear and couldn’t rest ideally because of two kids, I recovered well with the help of my father-in-law’s weekly acupuncture sessions. I did not have the time and energy to serve Lebeca well but by God’s grace, she is growing in the word of God and was baptized, denouncing her sins and making a decision to follow Jesus.

Apart from these, 2024 feels like a blur, most days so hectic and busy and tiring that I cannot remember the specifics. However, I see that God sustained me according to year’s verse of John 15: 7, “If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given you.” The theme of 2024 was definitely prayer. Almost daily, I reached some kind of limitation – impatience with my children, frustration with my husband, loneliness in Brazil, health issues like rhinitis and conjunctivitis, feelings of failure in ministry, and the list goes on. My typical day was: getting up to eat daily bread quickly before everyone woke up, eating breakfast, playing with Dani, bringing her to day care, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, teaching English or the bible, taking Portuguese classes, picking Dani up, more classes, washing the kids to go to sleep, and then finally sleeping. Most days, I did not even have 15 minutes to spare to shower or lie down or read the bible. I felt like crumbling under the pressure of caring for my family spiritually and physically. Many times, Satan attacked me not to pray: “You’re too tired, you keep getting sick, your prayers isn’t changing anything, you are just more stressed because of praying. Just give up and you will feel more free.”

But I see it not as my righteousness but the pure grace of God that he helped me to prioritize prayer as a matter of life and death. I was not perfect – there were many days I could not wake up, I could not sit at my computer and eat daily bread in peace. But I experienced the grace of Immanuel Jesus as I prayed while lying down feeding Paul, while playing with Dani, while cooking and cleaning, even as I taught my classes. I would have liked to read the bible more, but God taught me how to meditate on a single word, even a single verse, very deeply, and through these I see I could survive the year.

Though I am tired at the end of the year and the start of this new year, I see this year as victory in Christ because I learned deeper the power of prayer. The power of prayer is not necessarily that situations change quickly as I asked. It is that my heart desires more the fellowship of the Spirit and Christ in me. It is the assurance and peace that comes that despite any situation, Christ lives in me and he is enough. It is an unshakeable joy that stands even in the most terrifying trials, when my world feels as if it will crumble under darkness – the light of Jesus stands bright and anchors me. I’ve learned that to gain this intimacy and communion with Christ far outweighs anything I can pray or ask for and even becomes stronger through the trials he gives me. This is not because of my effort or good performance but God’s mercy to me. I never want to let go of it, but even if I do, I know the Lord will never let go of me for he is faithful to the end. This is my greatest treasure and comfort in all the storms I am passing now. Jesus is asleep in my boat.

One word that keeps coming to my mind is Matthew 6: 33. I know this verse very well, having heard it so many times since my young age. I thought that what it meant was that if I put God and his ministry first, everything else would go smoothly like my studies, career, marriage, family life, etc. I experienced this truth to some extent. But these years, I experience that life and God are much bigger than the formula that I put them in. Sometimes, even though I struggle hard to love and serve God, it doesn’t go as I expect according to this word. Through the hardships and messiness of my life, God is teaching me that to seek his kingdom first means most fundamentally to submit to his sovereign lordship above all – especially above all my rationality, above all that I can see and feel. The moment I lose sight of this kingdom, where God is king, I fall into doubt and fear, into grumbling and humanism. My mind becomes preoccupied with things of this world like what we need to buy and do, and I lose direction in my spiritual fighting. It becomes merely about surviving each day, without victory.

As I shift my eyes and seek, truly, his kingship over my life and all things, I begin to see his glory and beauty and power. And indeed I find that in him, in his real presence, I have received “all these things”. I have received everything in Him. It reminds me of Psalm 37: 4, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart”. So, my utmost direction in 2025 is to seek first his kingdom in my heart. For I know in that, all other things will come by the will of God. He is to shape and guide my prayer requests. I surrender even those to him.

How am I to seek first the kingdom? Knowing that I don’t have much time as a mother, I want to learn to memorize the word of God each day, even if it is one verse. I want to learn to pray consistently, at all times, in whatever I am doing. I want to be completely in him. I hold to the verses John 15: 7, Psalm 1: 2-3 continuously as my sub-verses to remind me how to practically seek first his kingdom. But more than the form, I desire the kingdom of God, his rule of truth, power, love, and grace to be real and alive in my heart until it is fully Christ in me and I can overcome all the attacks of Satan and all the “problems” in my life, fully surrendered to my King.

So, Lord, your kingdom come and will be done in my heart and life. I seek your kingship believing that all other things are consumed in the glory of your presence. In it, nothing else matters – not my weaknesses, not my wants, nothing. Everything is about you and your kingdom in me. This, I believe is your highest desire for me – to be one with me, you in me and I in you. Teach me what this means and reign in me truly from the inside so that outwardly, your fruits may show in your time and for your glory in your own way. I will not try to change my husband or make perfect children or  disciples o Jesus. I will seek only your kingdom and let you do your work in and through me for you know much better than I. Thank you for this work of the Spirit in my heart this year. And thank you for giving me this time now to write it down. May I write it in the tablet of my heart that I may continue to testify of your grace and power, never forgetting it. Though I may not have the ideal time and form to “seek” you as I wish, guide me in real-time and in real ways into closer intimacy with you. Teach me and reveal to me the wondrous treasures of your word, and more than just in my head with knowledge, help me to know it in my spirit and soul. Teach me all things newly. Your kingdom come and your will be done. I pray in Jesus’ name, Amen.