“Then the LORD said to Moses, ‘Now you will see what I will do to Pharaoh: Because of my mighty hand he will let them go; because of my mighty hand he will drive them out of his country.’” (Exodus 6: 1)

Coming back from Canada, I feel I can finally breathe again. I experienced a kind of reset in Toronto – catching up on much-needed sleep and eating my mom’s healthy cooking. I’ve been enjoying improved overall health and energy levels during the day, which means I can be more present and in-tune. But what this inevitably means is less time to pray in the mornings. I’ve been wrestling with the idea that this “rest” is coming at the cost of my intentional time with the Lord. I can’t help but admit I feel good. ButI don’t want to feel good without God. I don’t want to lose thirst or an intense pursuit of him. Is it possible? To be desperate, but at peace; to feel thirsty, but not anxious? Is this God giving me peace after a storm of a year? Or is it just me becoming spiritually apathetic and lazy? Am I being legalistic to think this way, or discerning? 

In these past few months, I felt God was cornering me, squeezing me tighter and tighter into spaces I didn’t even know existed. It’s like I’d cry out in desperation, only to see situations not change or even get worse. My prayers soon became bitter questions – “What do you want from me, God? What is the test I have to pass, what do I have to prove to you? Because I feel I don’t have any faith left.” Sometimes I’d cry, other times, I just lay there on the ground, too tired to cry. Just dead. 

At the end of Exodus 5, I see a servant of God with the same sort of bitter questions. God had chosen Moses to go back to the very place he ran away from and confront Pharaoh to let God’s people go. Moses knows it doesn’t make sense – why would the king of the most powerful nation in the world listen to an old runaway like him? On top of that, he didn’t speak well. But God gives him 3 things – His name “I AM”, 3 miraculous signs, and Aaron as his spokesman. Surely, that’d be enough. So Moses musters up his courage and makes the trek back to Egypt. He stands in front of Pharaoh and says, “Let my people go”. This is where Pharaoh should have cowered in fear and obeyed Moses. But instead, Moses gets slapped in the face. Pharaoh says, “Who is the LORD, that I should obey him and let Israel go? I do not know the LORD and I will not let Israel go.” Not only so, he makes the Israelites work harder, producing the same quota of bricks without providing them with straw. And Moses gets blamed for it. Humiliated, confused, and disappointed, Moses comes very honestly to God and says, “Why, Lord, why have you brought trouble on this people? Is this why you sent me?” 

There are times God calls us to do really hard and scary things that require real faith. And we expect him to work. It’s only fair and reasonable. We want to see the Red Sea parted, we want to see the manna from heaven, the water from the rock, we want to see the sick healed, souls saved. We want to see flourishing Christian families and churches, we want to see Jesus’ name exalted high. But what do we see? We see Pharaoh’s slap in the face. We see Jairus’ daughter dying, the report that Lazarus has died. We see dwindling ministries, Christian marriages suffering, ugliness and failure among God’s people. Why? Why would God do that? Further, why would he make us pray for something he won’t grant? Why would God kill the little faith we had and humiliate us so? These questions come amidst my own hardships and of those around me. My parents’ ministry has been going through a long period of apparent fruitlessness despite the very real and active and sincere faith I know they have. They are the purest lovers of Jesus I know. Lebeca, with whom I have been studying the bible, has just heard that she failed to get into the program of choice at the university of choice for the 5th year in a row. Why, God? Didn’t we act in faith?

I’ve really been thinking about death – not death of the body but spiritual death. The attacks of Satan, or the storms of the Lord, can only really lead to one of two deaths: either you will die in unbelief or you will die to unbelief. I wrote about this in my “Let Faith Arise” post, but it’s ever-real and new to me. The okayness I feel now – it is either because I’ve died in unbelief, which is to give up, or I’ve died to unbelief, which is surrender. I’d like to believe it is the latter – surrender ultimately to the good sovereignty of God, knowing that he both owns the battle and has won the battle. He is both the author and the protector of my faith. But I also know that this surrender, though it may look passive, is active. To surrender is the “good fight of faith”, fight against unbelief. God’s greatest and utmost purpose, then, in all these storms and battles and attacks, whatever we may choose to call them, is that we might die to unbelief and indeed have faith in him. Total and perfect surrender, and thus, total and perfect peace, with him. THIS is the treasure, eternal life. The storm may rage on, but it is calm because the King reigns and he has already won. 

But the story gets better. How does God answer Moses? He says, “NOW YOU WILL SEE.” What an amazing comeback: “Now you will see what I do to Pharaoh: Because of my mighty hand he will let them go; because of my mighty hand he will drive them out of his country.” Sometimes I am tempted to believe the lie that Christians believe in God only because they want him so badly to be real. Like, you will see the truth that you want to believe. I am tempted to believe that I am settling for “inner fruits” because I’ve given up on ever seeing the outer fruits. But that’s still unbelief. Throughout the bible, God always displayed his glory, in ways that it was undeniable, even for the most vehement atheist, to admit that God is living. Think of kings of Philistia who made treaties with Abraham and Isaac because of their fear of their God. Think of the walls of Jericho collapsing and of King Nebuchadnezzar praising God after being humbled in the wilderness. Think of the people praising God after Jesus healed the paralytic on the mat. God is able to do what we ask, and immeasurably more. He plants in us godly desires to see his kingdom come, and he wants us to want it so badly that we don’t stop praying for it. Surrender does not mean stop praying. Surrender means keep praying believing that it will happen, better and bigger than we could imagine. Surrender is hopeful, not hopeless. 

Let’s keep fight to praying- not out of legalism, but out of hope that is born from true surrender. We can be desperate without anxiety. We can because his promises are sure and our God is living. 

Thank you, Lord, that you answer my questions of unbelief. You want me to surrender, dying to unbelief, and cling to the reality of your good sovereignty that produces hope. Help me to pray with eyes of faith that the God of the bible is my God and he is able to do what I and more. I want to see what you will do. I want everyone to see so that we all can confess that it was not by anyone’s might, nor power, but Yours alone. Reveal Your glory in and through my life. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.