“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

(1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18)

This verse came to me many times throughout my pregnancy and delivery. It became God’s recurrent gift of wisdom to me. Through holding to and practicing this verse, I learned the secret to joy in every situation, and that is to give thanks. True and genuine thanksgiving is not possible without thinking about the one who gives. The fact is, nothing we own is actually ours. We are not entitled to the air we breathe, or the water and food we ingest everyday. We are not entitled to perfectly functioning digestive or urinary systems. In fact, because of our sin, we are entitled to death. Instead, God gives us health and delicious food, clean air and water, and beyond – supportive family and friends, hobbies to enjoy, work to sustain ourselves. But even if he took all those things away, still we have reason to be thankful because he did not withhold his best, his one and only Son. In Jesus, I not have only forgiveness of sins and hope of eternal salvation, but Emmanuel grace each day of this pilgrimage. He is mine forever, and by his grace, I also am his. Because of Him, I indeed can give thanks in all circumstances.

The first couple months, I had severe morning sickness. From weeks  7-20, I was vomiting everything I ingested, even water. By about week 12, my vomit was bloody due to the acid erosion to my throat. I lost about 4kg.

These were probably the hardest months of the whole pregnancy. I remember feeling so nauseated and dehydrated that just taking a 20 minute walk or doing a 1 hour Portuguese class felt like an accomplishment. Sleeping was my only escape. I would dream about drinking cold water and eating something other than white rice and crackers. Quite a few times, I would lie down at night only to vomit once again beside my bed. Joshua saw it all and cleaned up after me. Eventually, I broke down. I was physically and mentally so exhausted. More than that, the unknowing of when the nausea would end had me feeling hopeless and depressed. I often fell into self-pity.

At some point, 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18 kept coming to my mind. In response, I made the decision to thank God for one thing each day. “I thank God I could eat toast this morning.” “I thank God I could take a walk.” “I thank God I didn’t barf during my lesson.” In this way, my depressed heart found hope in learning the secret of being joyful always. It is not the circumstance that matters, but the fact that we can trust in God’s goodness and love despite of them.

Slowly, my body began to normalize…I could sleep better, walk longer, eat more. Joshua and I even went on 2 trips (Iguazu Falls and Rio de Janeiro). I began early morning prayer with Ester and my mother-in-law. I continued learning Portuguese, offered my 5-2 by practicing hymns for Sunday service, resumed house chores. The nausea was still there but my focus had changed from the “problem” to Jesus. And somehow joy became possible amidst suffering as I could sense that Jesus was so near me, even carrying me.

I think learning joy amidst suffering is a huge part of sanctification of faith. God doesn’t necessarily take away our suffering but he gives us sufficient grace to go through it. When Jesus prayed for his disciples, he was clear that the world would hate them and there would be many troubles. Yet he prayed not that they might be taken out of the world but that they would be protected from the evil one and that His joy would be made complete in them (John 17). Satan works to steal joy and plant fear and bitterness. The true evil is not the thing we suffer but choosing to sin because of it. We can choose bitterness or we can choose thankfulness. We can choose unbelief or we can choose to trust in Jesus. Mysteriously, through this process, God purifies our faith and grants us heavenly joy. That makes the suffering worthwhile because these that remain are eternal.   

My morning sickness experience caused me to think about another aspect of our spiritual life. It’s crazy to think now, but when all I could feel was pain, I forgot Dani was even in there! Likewise, many times we don’t see or feel the new life of the Spirit inside us. Many times, all we feel is that we’re suffering. But actually, the very fact of our suffering is the sign that there is this new life inside us. My morning sickness was actually a sign that the new life in me was growing healthily. It is part of the growth process. One day, we will see the full glory of this new life when we enter the kingdom in our imperishable bodies. Until then, we grow through life’s trials. Eventually, the growth becomes more and more evident…

At about week 23, I flew to Toronto. I had chosen not to get the COVID-19 vaccine, so I had to quarantine for 14 days upon arrival. Quarantining while pregnant is not easy, but in a basement makes it even harder. I also had expected to begin work as soon as I arrived but due to technical issues, I was left to kill time for the whole 14 days. The first couple days were fine – I edited some videos from our travels in Brazil, read some books, watched “The Chosen”. But there were times I felt terribly lonely and anxious. I prayed. Not eloquently, just “Help me, Lord”. It was in these moments that I really felt Emmanuel God was with me, even in that dungy, cold basement room. Psalm 139 became my new song. I began to read out this Psalm every night before sleeping. “Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go to the heavens, you are there, if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” Amen. There is no where I can be where God is not already there. Emmanuel.

Once out of quarantine, life felt grand – nice weather, familiar Toronto, eating my mom’s food, seeing Joy, Sara, and my parents everyday… It was short-lived, though, because I caught a stubborn flu from Joy and was sick for 1 month. I was unable to sleep properly because my nose was completely blocked, not to mention pregnancy insomnia. Still, I worked as hard as I could, up to 10 or 11 hours a day, trying to make up for the days I had lost due to the technical issues. Needless to say, November was a very difficult month. But I kept trying to give thanks. “Thank you that my left nostril is open”. “Thank you for my mom’s cooking”. “Thank you for providing me with work, and good pay”.

By week 36, we learned that Dani was still in breech (upright) position. My OB scheduled an ECV procedure (manual flipping) to be performed the following week. Two days before the scheduled procedure, I caught COVID-19. I am thankful that my symptoms were not serious at all – just a bit of a cough, runny nose, and loss of taste – but I was unable to do the procedure. This was discouraging for me because I really wanted to have a natural birth and did everything I could to get Dani to flip. It was so humbling to have to surrender everything, even this last part, to God. Throughout my pregnancy, I really had no control. I could not control my weight, health, time, my baby’s gender, or her position. Absolutely everything was in God’s hands. At first, this was annoying to me. I hadn’t realize how much security I found in my own sense of control. However, by the end of my pregnancy I realized that there isn’t a more secure place to be than in God’s hands. Somehow, in that total surrender, I found perfect peace.

Week 39, on February 2, 2022, Danielle Emma Park was born via C-section, with Joshua by my side. I am so thankful that Joshua was able to come, though it was not easy for him and of course expensive. He had to last-minute cancel or postpone all his patients for the week. But God made a way for him to come. It was the most surreal experience. Frankly, the operating room was a bit intimidating. It looked more like an execution room – there was a T-shaped bed in the middle of the room with trays of sharp objects beside. I felt very vulnerable with the bottom-half of my body numb and completely exposed to a team of 10 medical staff. But Emmanuel Jesus was with me there, too. I had peace.

The first day after surgery was another very humbling experience. As the anesthesia wore off, I began to feel nauseous and ended up throwing up 6 or 7 times that day. Probably the most difficult part of my time in the hospital was when they removed the catheter and my bladder literally forgot how to pee. I sat down on the toilet with a full bladder trying to pee for a good 2 hours that night. Nothing. I was beginning to feel desperate, especially when I heard Dani crying and knowing Joshua was so tired. I began to grumble in my heart, feeling like the most pathetic human being. “Give thanks in all circumstances”. This rang so loud in my spirit, almost like a rebuke. I repented of how quick I was to complain, even after God had blessed me with a beautiful healthy baby and a smooth surgery. I am the Israelites who grumbled in the desert as soon as things got difficult, even though God had liberated them from slavery in Egypt, revealing himself to be their Almighty and faithful God. On the toilet, I began to name the things I was thankful for: “Thank you for a healthy and beautiful daughter”. “Thank you for Joshua who could come and has been such a good support”. “Thank you I’m not nauseous anymore”. “Thank you for the kind nurses.” “Thank you for all those praying for me.” And as I was listing these one-by-one, suddenly, a trickle of pee came! And then another! And another! It may sound trivial, but it was a huge miracle for me. I cried in amazement and thanks. It was God’s confirmation to me that he is indeed with me, and so so close. He even cares about my bladder!

The next day, one of the medical staff told us that I might have trouble producing milk or that Dani might have trouble latching. This made us feel anxious. But we prayed, trusting that the God who brought us this far would hear. Sure enough, the third day at the hospital, I began producing milk. As of now, milk production or Dani latching have not been an issue. She eats well and is gaining weight well. God is so good.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above” (James 1: 17a). Dani is indeed God’s good and perfect gift to our family. She is more than I could ever imagine. The truth of Psalm 139: 13, 14 never felt more true: “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Sometimes I look at her and am so amazed. I don’t think I can ever doubt again that God is the Creator. She is so cute. God gave her my buggy eyes and Joshua’s handsome nose, mouth, and ears. She’s an angel when it comes to eating and sleeping and pooping which is a huge help as I am recover. She also makes the funniest sounds when she eats and sleeps and lies peacefully even when she’s awake. Best baby ever.

We changed Dani’s name many times before deciding on “Danielle Emma Park”. Our prayer for her is that she might be a bold and wise servant of God like Daniel in this generation and that she might deeply meet Jesus, based on Proverbs 9: 10 and Ephesians 3: 18. “Emma” is inspired by the Emmanuel grace I experienced throughout my pregnancy with her. The more I think about her name, the more I am satisfied with our choice. “Daniel” means “God is my judge”. So when I look at her, I am reminded that I am to fear only God and that he is always with me. Holiness and grace – this is the Jesus I have come to know and want to know all the more.

Thank you, Lord, for your deep love for me that you would reveal yourself to me. Thank you for teaching me the secret of joy – to give thanks – and to trust you always, for your ways are perfect. Thank you for the gift of Dani. Thank you for your Emmanuel grace. Thank you. May I not lose what I have learned but only grow deeper in love with Jesus. Amen.