“You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you shall not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good of evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die.”

Genesis 2: 17

Yesterday, I went to the mall to buy some nursing clothes. I walked into GAP and looked at all the nice clothes thinking, “I wish I could have them all”. Maybe then I could be happy?

I remember going shopping with my mom and sister as a kid. We would only ever shop at Walmart or Zellers, once a year, when it was time to go back to school. My mom would tell us that we could pick out 1 thing each. With a bright smile on my face, I would search the store for something I really wanted. I remember feeling so lucky to be able to have something new, since most of the time I got hand-me-downs from my older sister. That “one” thing would become so precious to me because it was unique, and from my mom. I can remember them all – one year, I chose a pair of flowery leggings. The next year, I chose a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey. The following year, a pair of khakis. The best and most expensive purchase I ever got was Columbia ski coat in grade 6. I was so happy with it that I told my mom I’d wear it until I was 20 years old. I kept that promise.

Fast-forward to my 30-year old self and here I was finally well-off enough to be able to shop at GAP for myself. The ironic thing was, knowing that I could afford most of what I wanted for some reason made me feel a bit…empty. Why? I had learned the concept in economics 101, the law of diminishing marginal return – the more you have, the less each additional thing you gain makes you happy. But it was weird for me to actually experience that sentiment and realize that it’s true. The moment I think that something I own is easily replaceable – “I could just buy it again” – is the moment that loses its unique sentimental value to me. It’s not special. It’s just another commodity. Maybe this is why the CEO billionaire is not actually happier than the 6-year-old girl living in a favela.

I think about the Garden of Eden when God blessed Adam with the freedom to eat from any tree in the garden. How exciting! But then comes the restriction – “but you shall not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die”. We’re used to thinking of the former part as the good part and the latter as the bad. But I realized the latter part is just as much a blessing. The fact that the freedom to have everything was curtailed made the thing all the more special. I think Kant talked about this – how freedom must have a limit to be true. That is why we have laws in society. They restrict the freedom to do anything we want but thereby qualifies freedom as something valuable. (I might be getting it totally off, but that’s what I understand.)

Freedom must be controlled to be meaningfully enjoyed. Once it becomes more about excess (bigger, better, more), we are not actually enjoying the thing at all; we’re a slave to greed and entitlement, and ultimately to dissatisfaction. This is a meaningful lesson to me in light of my new motherhood. I pray to have the wisdom to raise Dani to be thankful for what she has, counting each blessing one-by-one.