I’m back in Toronto for the holidays. Even after marriage, I visited quite a few time before, but this time feels different. It doesn’t feel like home. 

It’s a strange feeling, this in-between. Brazil is still somewhat foreign to me, I’m still adjusting to the new culture and community. That’s expected. But I never expected to feel so not-at-home at…well, home. Perhaps it’s because I thought I’d always be my parents’ daughter and nothing would change. But I’ve realized that in order to cope with me leaving halfway across the world, my parents had to set a boundary. That I’m no longer really theirs. I am someone else’s wife and mother, and I have my own family. And so they’ve moved on, they’ve changed, they’ve adapted, they’ve redefined. And here I am thinking that the universe would stay the same even though everything has changed. 

It’s been hard to verbalize what I have been feeling since coming back. But God answered. I texted a friend recently about it and she replied something along the lines of “Well isn’t it good, this discomfort? We can remember and hope in our heavenly home.” Made me think. That same day, I attended a Christian lawyers dinner and the speaker spoke on a very fitting topic, “Hoping in the Homeland”. From the title, I expected he’d say something like standing up for justice in the homeland of Canada. Honestly, I was getting ready to hear something cheesy and cliche. But he actually spoke directly to my soul, about hoping in the homeland of the Kingdom while we live as aliens and strangers here on earth. 

Hebrews 11. “All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth..They were longing for a better country–a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.” It was such an encouraging message to my wandering and lonely soul. It really put things into eternal perspective. 

My home is neither Canada nor Brazil nor anywhere else in the world. My home is in heaven and I am a citizen of the Kingdom. My home is Jesus.