The other day, I found myself so confused about my faith, faith in God, faith in general that I literally texted my parents, my spiritual mentors, “What does it mean to have faith in God?” It felt like such a basic question for one who has claimed to have it for the past 15 years, but in the chaos and confusion of my current reality, I didn’t know what I believed anymore, or what exactly I was believing in. 

Faith in the in-between. It connects the reality of God’s promises with our lived reality. When what we see and feel doesn’t match what God said. When you know in your gut, your soul, you are clenching to God the tightest you ever have, you’re crying out 24/7, you’d be wailing and weeping every minute of the day if you had the time and privacy to do that, you’re seeking and every fibre in you is on high spiritual alert BUT you still feel anxious. You still feel afraid. You don’t feel joyful. You don’t feel peaceful. You don’t see the glory of God. You don’t see the fruit of your piety or your…faith. What do you do when you’re in the between? THAT. THAT is faith. 

I thought I knew what faith was. I thought it was so simple, and at some point in my life, in my spiritual journey, it was. God taught me that faith “works”. If I prayed and studied before a test, God blessed it. If I prayed for peace, God gave it. If I did A, the expected B would result. I had lived in the black-and-white world of faith in the Word of God and honestly looked down on people who just couldn’t see it as simply as (I thought) it was. 

But these days, nothing feels simple. I’ve never tried so hard to seek, to believe, to obey, to follow him and yet it seems B never comes. The things I prayed for and have been for a long time haven’t happened. In fact, in some ways my circumstances are getting worse. I feel more anxious. More depressed. Moree confused. “True” Christians don’t go through this, I think to myself. Am I going backwards? Why do I feel so….weak? So…insecure? Do I really believe? Am I a real disciple? Has my faith been…fake? It really made me question. What am I waiting for? What does it mean to have faith in God? And hence, my text to my parents. 

For better or for worse, they didn’t respond for a long while. Maybe they were thinking and praying and grappling with that question before answering. Does faith in God mean believing he’ll give what you ask for if you’ve cried enough tears, prayed enough prayers, and showed him you’re really sincere about it? Does it mean general faith in God’s goodness and sovereignty? If so, is there a point to pray for things to change or should I just be focusing on “gaining Christ”? I started getting angry at God, bitter even. “Abba, what do you want from me? What do I have to do to pass this test?” I was about to break down again. It was all too much. 

But it kinda hit me, you know. Like, why am I so anxious? What am I waiting for, really? I think I’m waiting for some big circumstantial change. Not just so that I can be happy but so that I can make a testimony out of it. I want to say, “Look, God did this! He is faithful!” It sound sincere but I realize it’s selfish, because what I actually want to say is, “Look, I prayed, so God did this!” Because I did A, God did B. “Because I prayed for my husband and kids, they turned out pretty good.” “Because I was there for this friend, they got better.” “Because I had faith in my adversity, I am here today.” It’s all me, me, me. My sinful heart wants to testify of my own greatness. But I realize that God is working that even this – even my faith, in which I took pride – even this may fail. Not to crush and kill me. No, but so truly from the bottom of my heart I might testify, “I didn’t do A, I couldn’t do A — but still God did B. Indeed, he is faithful.” The thing is, God does not write the testimony we want to testify, that we imagine should be or is the “right way” in our mind. We want to testify of our successful ministries, families, and careers. But that’s not actually what God wants. That isn’t necessarily what glorifies him. My parents used to always say, “Do it for the glory of God”. I thought that meant, “Get straight A’s” because only A’s glorify God. It’s why I have been terrified of failure. But God is letting me fail to show me it’s not about the testimony I want to testify about, it’s about HIS testimony. He’s writing his testimony in our lives and it’ll get done no matter what. He’s using the chaos, the confusion, the unforeseen unpredictable mess, the failures, and he’s letting us struggle in this in-between that we might truly learn what faith is. That faith is not about a certain successful imagined outcome. It’s about believing today, amidst it all, that God and his word are true and he is God despite our situations and how we feel about him. It’s faith in GOD. 

I have been living a waiting game. I am waiting for something but I don’t exactly know what. That’s what makes me feel anxious everyday, tired, depressed, defeated. The thing is, I can pray and cry my heart out but if I am not accepting what God is saying and insist on holding onto my own vision of “his glory” then it’s kinda in vain. Dani does this really annoying thing where while I’m talking to someone else, she tries to talk over me until I answer her question or her request, not realizing that I’m already talking. Sometimes I’m even talking to her and she does that. She needs to get her own question answered, and in the way that she is satisfied with. And I say to her, “Dani. You can’t just talk over people to get what you want. If you’ll just be quiet and listen, you’ll see that I’m answering you.” I’ve been trying to talk over God. The amazing thing, he accepts it. He accepts my struggle in this uncomfortable in-between because through it, I reach my end. I finally, only because I’m so tired, I am quiet and I listen. 

“Paulina. I am with you.” I meditate on that and realize, it’s all I need. So often we’re hung on the future. We’re waiting for the future to happen. But the future is an illusion. What God has given us is today. And then tomorrow will be today. And the next. And the next. And today, HE is with us. What more could I possibly wait for, long for? Isn’t this heaven already? Isn’t this the kingdom of God? Isn’t THIS his glory? Christ with me…Christ IN me. This is God’s answer. God does not want me to wait for some circumstantial change. The ultimate thing that God is working for and reveals his glory, the testimony he is writing in our lives is that Christ lives in us. Christ is God’s glory. We are not to use God to change our circumstances. Rather we are to let God use our circumstances to change us. Let go of the rest and give it to God. And you will arrive at what you have been waiting for – Christ in you, today. He’s our End. No more anxious waiting. Just peace. Just joy. Just everything you wanted but sought in the wrong thing. 

Let’s not overcomplicate. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus. God is writing our testimony and it will be to HIS glory, no matter what. So have faith, friend. You already know and have the End.

“And surely I am with you always till the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:20