I thought I’d leave this blog for good after I wrote my last post (“Trial Testimony”), feeling that since writing, God had failed me. Through the insomnia that began this past April, I was so eager to make a testimony of what God could do. And he indeed healed me for some months, May to July, as I surrendered my sleep and myself in general to his hands. I believe it was something real. However, in the middle of July, I started experiencing the same sleeplessness and going through it a second time – after learning everything I thought I had to learn, after experiencing the faithfulness of my God whom I have known all my life – I was totally derailed. The doubts and fatalism came flooding into my mind and soul, like a torrent I could not control. Have I just been a naive believer this whole time? Is it all just a hoax? Does God see my tears? Has he heard my prayers? Why would he allow me to go through this again? Will I lose my mind? Will I become so debilitated I can’t care for my family? Does he care? Does he exist? Do I even exist? What is life and existence anyway? I’ve had these questions before, but never to this extent, and never in such a way that it matched so much what I felt – this very real existential darkness where hope and love and peace and joy and even the name “Jesus” no longer have meaning. Nothing matters. For perhaps the first time in my life, I was doubting, I was falling apart, and didn’t even care about it. Because I was convinced that God didn’t care about it. “Fine, God. Just watch me fall apart.”

But here I am. Still. I haven’t fallen apart. Yet. But I’m not writing about some deep and lofty spiritual realization. I’m not writing an exposition of a bible passage. I am not writing a well-drafted, aritculate, cohesive post. I am not writing with joy and inspiration in my heart. I am not writing a testimony of victory. I’m writing from here, the pit, the mire, the valley, the fire, feeling like a total mess of a person. This is not even a testimony about my faith. No, my faith is gone. But I am here because God is holding me. There’s no other explanation. And I want to write this down, against everything inside me, as a punch to the devil that no matter what, even if I’m a fool for it, I still trust that the God who has spoken to me and led me thus far is still my God. That God’s above this and he’s going to see my through whatever this is. It’s been months of walking through this darkness in my soul, this physical tension and pain in my brain from the lack of sleep, the anxiety and soreness built up in my body .I don’t know when it will all be gone, when it’ll be a thing of the past. Each day and night is hard, a constant trudging without a break. No one can know how lonely it is. On the one hand, I have a real anger and bitterness towards God, the temptation to just “curse God and die”. Doubts and sadness constantly dwell in my mind and heart. But the Spirit whispers louder, always, and prays through all of the pain and confusion and questions, “Lord, I trust you. Help me to not take what is not mine. Make me a beacon, still, of your grace.” So that is my prayer, here.

It feels pretty terrible. I look at people I once taught the bible to and am amazed at their faith and success in life, their joy. Why am I here, so behind, so lost? When did I get here? But yes, this is where I am. It’s hard to pray, it’s hard to read the bible, it’s hard to praise. I don’t have any joy in my heart anymore. That’s the truth. I am depressed and don’t know if I’ll ever stop feeling this way. But even if it doesn’t end, may God still hold me that I won’t stop trusting his word, I won’t stop calling his name, I won’t stop singing his praise. I realize I don’t have to be done and through a thing to testify about God’s power and grace. Perhaps the very reason I’m going through this is so that God can show me it is possible to praise him and trust him no matter what, because he is holding me.

Lord, I feel so lost, like I don’t know what I’ve lived till now, where I am, or where I’m headed. I can’t make sense of my faith, my life, or you. But I am here, I am calling you, and I need your help, moment by moment. Would you hold me to the end? Would you never stop chasing me? Would you keep me from losing it? I am nothing, I can’t do anything to glorify you, but you can glorify you, using even my sins and weaknesses. So do it. I give it all to you, each moment of each day because I don’t see my life worth living by any other truth for any other One. If I’m going to be here, then let me be here with You.

“If we are faithless, he remains faithful.” – 2 Timothy 2: 13